Would-be Japanese Space Tourist wants $21M back
You know how you sometimes buy a $200 pair of shoes, say, and then later regret it? Well, replace "shoes" with "trip to outer space" and $200 with $21 million and you'll understand Japanese millionaire Daisuke Enomoto's position. (As much as you can understand any problems a millionaire would have.) Without getting into the he said/she said details, this "eccentric entrepreneur" paid Virginia-based Space Adventures a buttload of money so that he could dress up as his favorite cartoon character and, through Space Adventure's alliance with the Russian space agency, be the first space tourist to do a spacewalk. Read Related: Headline of the Day
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Men Guilty Over Fake Penis Scam
You gotta hand it to 
Suspect Arrested for Greasy Imprints in NE Town
Valentine, NE, known mostly for being small and having a cute name, had to endure the handibuttockswork of a "lone deviant" who vandalized stores, hotels, schools, and churches by slathering his ass with Vaseline and then pressing it, for reasons known only to him, against their windows. The Butt Bandit's greasy butt imprint reign of terror, however, is finally over. He was spotted and arrested last Wednesday at 3:30 in the morning doing what he does best. 
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Stripper, 44, Charges Age Discrimination
Exotic dancer Stripper Kimberlee Ouwroulis filed a complaint against a Gentleman's Club strip joint in Toronto because she claims she was let go due to her age. She started stripping at 40 after a nasty divorce, was doing well monetarily, and had regular customers. But one day, her boss said, "Your time is up here." 
Salacious UC Davis Squirrels Too Lusty For Their Own Good
Seven years ago, there were no nonnative squirrels on the UC Davis campus. But because the lusty little beasts have been getting' busy, there are now 400 of them running around sampling student lunches, eating baby birds, and snacking on electrical wires. That's why scientists at UC Davis are test-driving squirrel birth control. 
Sean Penn's Milk Has Blast From the Antigay Past
This is one of those headlines where you (kinda) know what the writer was trying to say, but you're all, "Re-write, re-write!" I mean, c'mon! "Sean Penn's Milk"?! 
German Supermarket Cashier Repels Robbers With Cheese
You can't get me to say anything bad about cheese, but I figured its uses were limited to sandwiches, gratins, and nachos. (Mmmm, nachos!) Not so! Apparently, if you are as quick on your feet as this cashier in Berlin, you can foil robbers with cheese, too! 
Dog Awarded Law Degree
Skeeter the service dog (not pictured above — that's just some other cute dog in a lawyer's collar), was given an honorary law degree along with the woman he aids, Amy Jones, who received her juris degree this Saturday from Baylor University. Amy was paired with Skeeter two years after a skiing accident left her a paraplegic, and according to law school Dean Brad Toben, "Skeeter has become a part of our community and part of our family here at the law school." In addition to being helpful and cute as hell, Skeeter is a pro. 
Spoken, Not Heard: The 'First Ever Woman' Who Cannot Distinguish Voices . . . 
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Sexy Prof Strips for Students
Did someone spike this German teacher's punch with some Ecstasy? What else could explain her "s-extracurricular" (I wish I came up with that) activities when she did a strip tease for her 15-year-old students instead of supervising a student party? Watch how long this nasty display goes on before someone finally forces his eyeballs back into his head and intervenes. 
